10 Year Angelversary

Details: Created: Tuesday, 21 February 2017 11:57; Written by Lucy Kirkby

Ten years. Today is the ten year angelversary of my Heather’s passing. How do I describe my feelings? To start; grief isn’t something you get over. It’s something you go through. When your child dies, it changes your life forever. The loss becomes part of who you are. Time doesn’t lessen my pain; it only defines how long my heart can keep breaking. The feeling you get in your stomach when your hearts broken is like all the butterflies just died. It’s feeling my heart dying as I continue to lose my mind; like a forever panic attack as my soul is screaming for her back. Like losing my breath and never catching it again.

Crying is a way your eyes speak when your mouth can’t explain how broken it is. I can wipe away the tears from my eyes, but I can’t wipe away the pain from my heart. Somedays the memories knock the wind out of me. I’m breathing and trust me that’s a huge accomplishment. I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.

When someone says to me, “I can’t even imagine” my heart skips a beat. The overwhelming sadness that accompanies the death of a child is indescribable. It can’t be imagined or explained. It just hurts. When a parent dies, you lose your past. When a child dies, you lose a part of your future. Sometimes people say,” God needed another Angel”. I can’t help but want to reply with a snarky response such as “easy for you to say; God didn’t ask you for yours”. I continue to put on a good front for the world, when inside I am barely holding it together. I will never understand why it had to be MY child. A piece of my heart lives in Heaven. This is why I believe in Angels. I have one of my own.

To my Sweet Heather, my girl girl,

My mind knows you are in a better place, where there is no pain and you are at peace. I understand this. I just wish I could explain it to my heart. I also wish I had wings so I could fly to you and get some Heavenly hugs. But then, I’d never want to leave you.

Goodbyes hurt the most when the story was not finished. Your story was nowhere near being finished. You left such an impact on so many while you were here though. We keep you alive through telling your story and the amazing things you gave us through your Heavenly insight. I was blessed to have you for those 21 years. I am comforted by the knowledge that you are our Angel in Heaven watching over us; especially your little sisters. They miss you so much, as we all do.

Yesterday it was chilly and rained most of the day. As if on que, today is bright, warm and sunny. The birds are singing and remind me of the day you left us. Indeed the saddest day of my life. Sometimes on days like today I like to believe you are still alive and well. Then I realize that I am just daydreaming and it becomes the living nightmare that it is.

I was supposed to protect you forever. I was supposed to guide, teach and love you forever. I was NOT supposed to miss you forever. I heard something a while back that I had to write down so I could remember it. Here it is: The French don’t say “I miss you”. They say ”tu me mangues” which means “you are missing from me”. I really like this saying. Another saying I heard was, "The longest walk home that any parent will ever take is the one after their child has run ahead of them." Well, my girl girl, you ran ahead of all of us. I gave birth to you. I loved you first. I love you still, I always have and I always will.

My thoughts are filled with memories of you today; wearing purple, listening to music by Train, especially Drops of Jupiter, and trying not to completely lose it while at work. I’m always hoping for a sign that you are here with me. I know you are. I feel you in my heart. Ten years is a milestone. Not one that I wish on any parent to have to mark. You are not forgotten. You are loved oh so much.

My Heather, my girl girl… I LOVE YOU.

Love,
Mom