HEATHER’S 11 YEAR ANGELVERSARY

Details: Created: Wednesday, 21 February 2018 17:58; Written by Lucy Kirkby

Today is cold and raining; very unlike the day that you left and went to Heaven. The anxiety leading up to this milestone day was overwhelming. I always feel anxious about the coming day, but more so this year than usual. Is it because it is a Wednesday? You left on Ash Wednesday in 2007. Days are filled with so many memories. Then the day comes, and it seems like any other day, but is filled with such intense sadness and memories.

I never thought I’d make it a year, much less eleven living with the pain of losing you. No matter how much time passes, it is still unbelievable that it feels like yesterday. I will never forget the moment that your heart stopped, and mine kept beating. It is the kind of heartache that you feel in your bones.

Your loss triggered a spiritual journey like no other. I see very clearly and am even stronger in my faith. This helps, but doesn’t make it any easier. I am constantly aware of your absence. The hardest part of losing a child is living everyday afterwards. Grief shows up when you least expect it. There is no time limit on grief. The people who think that there is have never lost a piece of their heart. There are no rules. I do things at my own pace. I still have your toothbrush out. It’s ok because I decide how, if, or when things happen.

Life goes on, but never the same. I have a new normal now. This new life that I didn’t ask for that I am forced to live feels unbearable at times. This doesn’t mean that I love those around me any less, it just means that I will never feel the same again.

I took the day off work today. I couldn’t pull myself together enough to function in a productive or even presentable manner. Call it a mental health day or a Lucy lost it day. I think I am entitled. I woke up to Drops of Jupiter playing throughout the house, thanks to Joel. I needed that. I’m wearing my purple. I still desperately need my “signs” from you to feel what I already know; that you are still here with me. I’m still trying to recognize my signs today. Am I looking too hard? Just not seeing? Probably, because I know that you are here with me. Always.

Bonnie and I were talking about you today. We wondered what your life would be like if you were still here. Would you be married? Have children? Have a career? The song we have on your video is perfect. “Where You’d Be Today”. When you lose a child, you lose an entire lifetime of Dreams, Hopes, Wishes, and Plans. You don’t just lose them at the stage they were when they passed. We lose them at every stage we missed and our hearts will forever ache with that knowledge.

People have called me strong. They ask how I get through it. Say they admire me or that I inspire them. It’s not strength. It is simply because I have no other choice. A friend said that I look sad today. Hmmm, I’m sad every day, but today I haven’t the energy to hide it.

I have so many thoughts and feelings to process. Sometimes it is overwhelming. What to say to people? My child died. I don’t need advice. All I need is for you to gently close your mouth, open wide your heart and walk with me until I can see color again. I start to see in color again, then it seems to fade. I want to say that if you know someone that has lost a child and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died; you’re not reminding them. They didn’t forget they died. What you’re reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived. That is a great gift. I got that gift today. Rose reached out to me today. She wasn’t afraid that it would hurt me. It made me so happy to have her share her thoughts of you with me today. I needed that and am very thankful.

My dear Heather, My Girl Girl. I love you so much. This is forever. I miss you more than words can express. My memories of you, my love for you can never be taken away. Continue to be your little sister’s Guardian Angel. Bonnie and Arin need you. Give them signs that are undeniably you. Watch over Joel and me too! We all cherish your memory and keep you in our hearts and daily thoughts.

My Girl Girl, I’ll see you on the other side of the stars. Until then, I’ll always be the Mother of an Angel. I always have been. Even when you were here with us. I LOVE YOU, MY HEATHER.

Love,
Mom