HEATHER'S 15th ANGELVERSARY

Details: Created: Monday, 21 February 2022 14:51; Written by Lucy Kirkby

When I post about my Heather, it is not to get sympathy, it’s to keep her memory alive. It is my way of getting feelings out and being able to get through the day. Don’t be afraid to reach out to me and share a memory of my girl with me. It doesn’t make me sad. It makes me happy to know that she is remembered and kept alive in someone else’s memories.

Today, Monday, February 21, 2022 is the 15 year Angelversary of my beautiful Heather’s passing. Fifteen years. I still remember the day all too well. I remember even the smallest of events and things about that day. It comes back to me like a wave of feelings that are at times overwhelming. Missing my Heather comes in waves, and today, I am drowning. I get caught up in it. I quickly get pulled under and wind up gasping for breath. It is ironic that the presence of an absence can be so emotionally devastating.

I can even remember the smells I experienced that day. The smell of the fresh outdoors because we opened the window to let fresh air and sunshine into Heather’s room for her to enjoy. The first warm, sunny day after the bitter cold weather. The smell of the candle I had burning in her room. The smell of her fresh bathed skin and clean hair as I held my girl close to me. These smells have embedded themselves in my heart along with my other memories of my Heather.

I have found that in the years that have passed that I am most vulnerable at times of remembrance. Birthdays, holidays, family gatherings, otherwise joyous occasions contain the undertow of sorrow and no longer holds a promise of celebration. Still, we celebrate and keep your memory alive knowing how much you enjoyed special occasions. Death leaves a heartache that no one can heal, but love leaves a memory that no one can steal away from me.

When you have lived through unexpected or out of order death of a child, your heart has by definition already been pushed too far. Your heart has been pushed beyond the limits of what most people, will ever have to endure. How do I survive each day and each passing year? The answer is through Love and Grief. Both are essential now to my survival. No matter where I am or what I am doing I am constantly aware of Heather’s absence. Even a broken heart continues to beat. It just beats now and forever to a different rhythm.

To my beautiful girl, girl Heather,

Here we are, fifteen years without you here with us. Once again, it is a sunny, unusually warm day after a bitter cold spell. Much like the day you left. Funny how this happens. It’s a purple day with Drops of Jupiter playing to remember how you loved them both.

You touched the hearts of so many and made this world a brighter and better place. In our tears we saw you sinking. We watched you fade away. Our hearts were almost broken at how you fought so hard to stay. You did as your dad said about his own battle with HD, you were living with HD, not dying from HD. But when we saw you after you took your delicate wings and used them to fly away to Heaven, leaving my arms empty, looking so peacefully free from pain, we could not wish you back to suffer that again.

I wish I could reach out and bring you back into my arms and hold you and never let you go. Instead, I have to settle for holding you in my heart my precious girl. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you; but instead I am deeply honored knowing that you spent the rest of your life with me. Still, a part of me will always want for you to come back, but I don’t want you to suffer again.

I have not heard your voice in years, but my heart has conversations with you every day. I long to hear your sweet voice again and your joyous laughter. I know that you are always with me. I also know that you know that I will always love you and miss you with all of my heart.

You are never forgotten. We all speak of you often, recounting memories. Most of them funny memories of things you said or did. You brought so much joy to our lives and left such an imprint on us all. Continue to be that Guardian Angel that keeps watch over all of us. Especially your little sisters. Help protect them and guide them along life’s paths. Feel our love for you each and every minute. Keep sending us your “signs” to help us get through the day, your gentle reminders that you are with us. You are forever young and in our hearts.

I love you so much, my Heather, my girl girl. There are just not words that can describe the intense level of love that I feel for you. Somehow, I think you know this.

Love you much,

Mom

God please continue to take care of my Angel and send her our love. 💜