HEATHER'S 18th ANGELVERSARY

Details: Created: Friday, 21 February 2025 20:33; Written by Lucy Kirkby

Today finally came. Every February my body and spirit feel that same dreaded feeling that cuts to my very core. The anticipation of the 21st grows with each day. Thoughts and memories go wild. I try to keep them to myself so not to seem like I’m losing my mind. Actually, some may say I lost it a long time ago!

I usually write early in the day for my bi-yearly post here. Today I was so busy at work that I didn’t have a chance to write until now. This made the day even harder to get through. Writing here in Heather’s space is like unpacking a heavy backpack. Once unpacked, I can breathe a little easier.

Grief is not just a feeling, it is a profound transformation. It's a journey that reshapes us in ways we never expected. When we grieve, we are not just mourning a loss, we are also gradually becoming someone new. Grief carves out a deep space in our hearts, and over time, this space fills with compassion, understanding, and a deeper appreciation for life. It teaches us about the fragility of existence and the strength of the human spirit. Grief changes us, not because we move on from our loss, but because we learn to carry it with us, woven into the very fabric of our being.

Grief never ends, but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love. The price is steep, as well as the hills and valleys that come with it. I’ve given in to the fact that "Yes, I'm still GRIEVING" and it’s sort of a forever thing.

Now, to my Heather, my Girl Girl.

My beautiful Heather, our Heavenly Dancer,

I miss you more than meer words can begin to express. I feel a desperation in my body to see your beautiful, smiling face, to hear your voice, your laugh that could make us all laugh with you, and to feel the love from your hugs, and to smell your scent. I feel your presence with me at times, and when I don’t, I have faith that you are always here watching over all of us.

I wore purple and a small purple bow fastened to my shirt. It has become a uniform of the day. Naturally, Drops of Jupiter was required listening, and so many thoughts of you consumed me throughout the day. It is a Heather Day.

Joel made your favorite lasagna for dinner in your honor. You never seemed to get tired of eating it. It is in the little things that we do to help us recognize and acknowledge the special place you have in our hearts and lives. You blessed our hearts with your life, your laughter, and your love. For this I am eternally grateful.

You were such a loving sister to your little sisters. I have no doubt that you would be a loving, incredible Aunt to little Lively. Bonnie and I were talking about this just the other day. We remembered how you held Arin after she was born and started crying and said ” I just love her so much”. You loved babies. Bonnie feels the loss of her big sister more than ever now that she is a mother. Sometimes Lively looks around in the air and laughs an excited little laugh. I told Bonnie that I feel that you know your little niece and watch over her as well.

I remember how Arin used to lay on the floor after you left us and wiggle around as if you were there tickling her like you would do. She would just laugh at look into the air. Arin would act as if she were interacting with you at bedtime and tell you goodnight as if you were there still. They say the young mind is capable of “seeing” what our minds won’t allow us to see.

I see a lot of you in Arin. She shares the same love of art, puzzles, music, animals, video games, and so much more as you did. And smart like you. Some say she looks a lot like you. Maybe it’s that you both look a lot like me!

My Girl Girl, you are missed, you are loved. The footprint you left on this earth remains and will never fade. I ask that you continue to be our Guardian Angel and send your little signs to us to remind us that you are near. I pray that you can feel the love we have in our hearts for you. My beautiful daughter, Heather, my first born, the one who first showed me what it was to feel such intense love for a child and made me a Mother, I love you. I give thanks for being blessed to have been your Mother. You made me proud, made me a better person, and helped make me the woman I am today. By leaving me after a short 21 years, you made me find a strength in myself that I didn’t know I had. I was already strong after all of the challenges that my life had brought me beforehand, but your leaving has brought a daily challenge that somedays breaks me while other days strengthens me.

Know that your Mama loves you oh so much and that is forever. See you in my dreams? Just once? I think I can handle it now.

With so much LOVE, 💜

Mom